"Was there an original thought to be thunk? Or was he forever doomed to be an emulator, or worse, a regurgitator? And if he was, so what? Doesn't every college sophomore majoring in English because they have no freaking clue what to do with their life know that disdaining the derivative is the height of unoriginality? More importantly, what was the likelihood that he could keep writing without landing on even one declarative sentence? And why did he use the idiot word "thunk"? Is he actually an idiot? Or is he wildly clever? Will we find out one day? Who knows? Who cares? Should he continue trying to write a blog when he has a raging flu and is so heavily intoxicated from a potpourri of over-the-counter cold medications that he keeps referring to himself in the third person?

Probably not."

Doing dishes makes me want to make brownies. It's a real circular problem.

I did dishes last night, making my breakfast of leftovers this morning both delicious and unhealthy.

Sigh. First Jewel Staite gets married, then Natalie Portman; now Kaley Cuoco is engaged. Life sucks.

Thank goodness Yvonne Strahovski and Emma Stone are waiting for me.

Time keeps flying by, and it's hard to get back into writing something every day...

But here is something I HAVE to share:

http://muchadothemovie.com/

My new favorite phrase: Going full frontal whack-a-doodle.

I can't wait to work professionally as a psychologist, just to put that down as someone's diagnosis.

"The idea that I am the first person to find your ignorance so unbearable, to the point I have to leave the room, is implausible to the point of absurdity."

"Wait, what?"

I do love me a random conversation with a hippie liberal every now and then, but I keep forgetting their rule about big words.

I have finally finished moving to Madison, which means I once again have time to blog. I spent the last couple months planning, and plotting, and possibly scheming; but now I am moved, and job hunting from a much shinier location.

So... what was it I am supposed to write about here again?

My new apartment is fairly nice, though it needs some furniture. A couch would be nice, since my old one was too fat to fit in the door (which is what I get for buying an American couch); stuff to make my guest bedroom more like a bedroom and less like a place I put crap I don't want cluttering up my room; and most importantly, a larger bed. The last because, as every girl who isn't my mother that has visited my apartment has told me, I'm not going to be getting any on a twin sized mattress. (Don't bother with a comment, the not getting any regardless joke is too obvious.)

I don't have any roommates, which is nice, but taking some getting used to. Despite enjoying it, I didn't cook much in my last couple living arrangements, because I'm too obsessive compulsive about needing a kitchen to be clean to cook in it, and too lazy to clean up a roommates dishes so I could. Of course, now I just feel dumb, cooking entire meals just for one person, and am too lazy to do so very often. It's a paradox. (a paradox, a most ingenious paradox. we've quips and quibbles heard in flocks, but none to beat this paradox.)

I spent a few days taking care of a friend of mine's dog. It was pretty much a perfect* dog. I think every girl I have ever dated needs to take lessons from this dog on being a good companion. Sad... but very true.

*I say "perfect", but I did hear rumor of her owner being forced to adapt a 1930's european style appeasement policy towards the little nazi in regards to clothes getting chewed on... but I don't believe it, I think it was just an excuse for her to leave old clothes laying around the floor of her house.

I'm still here, but have been really trying to spend my time productively. I am moving to Madison, WI in a couple weeks so I have lots to do.

I spent the last half hour learning random, mildly inappropriate phrases in chinese.

熊貓尿

I keep planning on putting up new blogs, however, every time I start to, I remember I should probably spend my free time looking for a new job, since I wake up grumbling every morning about my current one, and then do that instead. Grumble about my current one, I mean of course.

I feel bad about the extra nerdy post yesterday. But there are no cats in America, and the streets are paved with cheese. There are no cats in America, so set your mind at ease.

"I'll kill a man in a fair fight. Or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight. Or if he bothers me. Or if there's a woman. Or if I'm getting paid. Mostly only when I'm getting paid."
Firefly has the best quotes.

Also, just saw the preview for Tucker and Dale versus Evil... actually planning on seeing that in theater :)

Season 5 of The Guild premiered this week. For the majority of you, who don't play MMORPG's, you've probably never heard of it, and wouldn't be entertained by it anyways. But for those of you who do, a throwback, in honor of The Guild:

Date My Avatar (Directed and music composed by Jed Whedon, cause if you are nerdy enough to like this, you are nerdy enough to know why that is awesome.)

I've been trying to figure out why nearly everyone who's blog I read puts up so many more pictures that I do. Today it hit me. Because nearly everyone who's blog I read is prettier than I am, and likes to show off. It either means they are jerks... or I am shallow. I think we all know which is more likely. :)

I try to avoid commenting on sports, politics, or religion here. Partly because everyone has such a strong opinion that they struggle to recognize anything as jest. Unless they agree with it. And partly because there are so many blogs that cover those subjects already. But I have to say... has anyone else noticed that the NFL managed to get a deal done, but the government hasn't? Does that seem right to you?

There was a study in the 1960's by a guy named Mehrabian that showed communication is only 7% words used, while being 38% tone of voice, and 55% non-verbal, ie body language. It's rather famous, and quoted quite a bit, as far as psychology study results go. It's generally taken out of context, and a great example of why you should read a study you hear about, and check it's results and methodology before believing it actually supports whatever people are trying to say it does.

However, presuming it's true: how exactly does it feel to realize, that while so much of our communication takes place in forms like texting, facebooking, and yes, blogging; that only 7% percent of what people understand you as saying comes from the words you use, and 93% comes from last little characters at the end meant to be crude representations of facial expression?

Colon Capital P.

Last night was the 23rd night in a row that I have kept waking up every 2 hours, like clockwork. I really wonder, if there is some ingenious plot afoot, planned by my grandchild hungry parents, and niece desperate sister, to keep this happening. I know they are supposedly states away... but it would be just like them, to trust me to be crazy enough to think "Hey, if I am waking up constantly every night anyways, I might as well get those annoying baby nights out of the way at the same time." The joke is on them, however, as I have already decided to do my best to sync up the "terrible teen" years my children will have with the "men can do nothing right" menopause years my wife will have, by procreating around mid-thirties. Well, her mid-thirties. So... let me sleep, dammit!

Is it too soon to admit I find, the person who was most famous for her song refusing rehab dying from not completing rehab, more poetical than any of her lyrics? And as a psychologist... looks like she should have found time for us. Really. Everyone needs helps sometimes.

I was recently sent an email at work, reminding me I am not allowed to post any "Web logs, or 'blogs'" in reference to where I work, specifics on what I do, or complaining about the company I work for. Thank goodness I use a pen name. That'll fool them for sure! (And if my boss really is reading this... Hi Boss! This isn't me! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!)

Just think. If you are reading this now, you may be one of the few to do so, before it gets edited to say "Former Boss" :P.

Today I bought a book on how to pick up women. I also bought a Star Wars book.

In hindsight, perhaps avoiding buying the later would have precluded my need to buy the former.

I keep coming up with stuff I think will be entertaining to blog about while I am at work. Then, when I get home from work 6 hours later (like right now)... the inspiration is gone. Time for a new blogging app on my phone.

I've come up with my strategy, should I ever try to hit on a girl in a bar. I've thus far avoided this, because it really seems like a poor way to meet someone. But now I confidently have something in my back pocket, should I see a girl who just looks irresistible. I'm not sure whether I will introduce myself or not, however, I will pretty much start with the joke: "Two atoms bump into each other. 'I think I lost an electron' says the first. 'Are you sure?' says the second. 'I'm positive.' replies the first." Then I will walk away. If she is weirded out, well, then she is like girls who actually get to know me. And if she laughs, and comes to talk to me... Jackpot!

I like Red Robin. They have a chicken sandwich with pineapple and teriyaki sauce that is delicious. More importantly, at least at the one nearest my house, every time I go, they are staffed almost entirely by cute, near my age, waitresses. I say almost entirely, because of course, every single time I go, I manage to get the one girl who doesn't fit either of those descriptors. At least, until yesterday. Yesterday, I show up, and miracle of miracles, I manage to get a cute waitress. Not only is she cute, by near my age... but she starts flirting with me. Until, of course, the girl that I am having dinner with gets there. Life and I really need to get our timing synced up.

I was given a tip by Brent to put a blog up about how urination and revolutions are the same... so there is that. Sorry, I still got nothing.

Ladies: Guys aren't really that complimented when you describe them with the same adjectives you would describe your puppy with. Example: Cute.

I like this:

Harry Potter fans need to calm the hell down. My little sister wanted to go to a midnight showing, so we did... at like 8pm. To get good seats. When we got to go sit down a few hours later, the people behind us in line, ie everyone because we got there so crazy early, decided to try and stampede over my half blind, 4'11 90 pound mother. When I got all hockey player, and hip checked their asses back down the tunnel into the theater long enough for her to stand up, some asshole tried to get in my face. I very nearly got into a fist fight at a PG movie premiere for a children's book, because I didn't wanna let some 200 pound 6'2 asshole step on my mother. I probably would have, had she not gotten enough of a lead on the herd of crazed assholes for me to walk away. Does that seem right to you? Even just talking about it, I'm still heated.

A friend of mine told me if I move to her city, I would be Number 1 on her speed dislike. First of all, ouch. Second of all, very astute. It takes most girls a first date to develop that sort of loathing for me. (Of course, the same friend just texted me I was pretty, so... she must be crazy. Sounds like just my type, n'est-ce pas?)

After my 9 hour drive home today, after sitting for about 30 seconds at a red light 2 blocks from getting home, a guy on his crotch rocket rear ended me. I'm fine, my truck is relatively unscathed... but he didn't fair so well. On the upside, the red light was at the corner of a hospital, and I managed to get him into the ER. He'll be fine, though I am guessing broken leg and minor concussion. Bikers... you are smaller than me in vehicle form. If I think I should stop, and you think I should go, guess who has physics on their side?

"No Dad, it's not weird that you changed my bathroom so that, instead of a light coming on when you hit the light switch, a minor ghost character from a children's book suddenly appears on the wall. I'd really like it, though, if you could fix whatever you did to my bed. No? Well, yes, I suppose the couch does work too..."

Tomorrow night will mark the two week anniversary of the last time I slept more than 2 hours in a row. If I hit a month, I feel like I should throw some sort of party. I'm not quite sure what a sleep themed party would look like, because what keeps coming to mind is the joyous hour of Kindergarten we all look back on as "the good old days" or as it was known then, "nap time." I suppose I could see about a melatonin filled pinata. Musical sleeping bags with songs that last about as long as a REM cycle might work too, since there would be some real motivation to stay in each round.

Hey pretty girl. Did you go to college? Did you get your B.A., with all that knowledge?

I'm back in Minnesota for the weekend. My sister is on some crazy Harry Potter kick, so a life size Hermione is staring at me right now in my parents living room. A life size Ron and Harry are here too, but their stupid looks can't really ever be classified as staring.

I don't get why so many more of my friends are constantly posting exactly where they are and with who on facebook. I mean, I like that you can do it, and plan to the next time I am on a date with someone gorgeous... and people who do it every now and then, cool. But does anyone really want there to be an online record of where you spend every night of the last week on a website with questionable privacy?

My favorite blog writer got some job where she doesn't have time too nearly as much. ReinschinScrubs and Brent Jordan better keep going strong, I would hate to get bored with the internet, and have to, you know, do something with my life.

My IPOD transmitter died for a third time as I got on the highway before a long road trip. It's actually the fuse my DC adapter is over that blows... but the IPOD is what kills it. And it's timing is... impressively intelligent. I'm on to you, Steve Jobs.

I like working 40 hours over the first 3 days of a week, then having a 5 day weekend. Not the working part of it, just the weekend part of it.

Well, adventures to ensue while I am home, then be blogged about. And by adventuresI mean my sister and father arguing over where the Gryffindor emblem and where the Hufflepuff emblem should be hanging from the ceiling. Someone call me, distract me, and save me from Harry Potter obsessed med-students celebrating the end of their childhood!

Just finished a 16 hour shift, only got 8 hours till my next one... but I had to throw this up for my fellow brown coats:

This is one of those blogs I really hope any girls I might be trying to date don't read. Actually, I would hope they would read it, and be as geeky as me, but I am a realist... so Kaley Cuoco, go ahead and stop right here.

I went and saw the new Transformers finally. I was entertained, as expected... but my favorite parts were transparent appeals to the nerds of the world. Casting Firefly's Alan Tudyk is genius for any movie hoping for approval from the Comic Con element of society. Especially in a comedic role, and especially if you are going to let him play it with a ridiculous accent. Even more so, having Nimoy do a voice had me, and other Trekkies everywhere smiling... and I wasn't the only one in the theater to geek out at "The needs of the many..." line. I love movies that throw in little stuff to make us nerds of the world smile.

Similarly embarrassing to my admittance to having geekcred, I went and played Laser Tag again last Wednesday, and loved it. Nothing quite like getting together with some fellow nerds, laughing on the inside because they actually play D&D, where as I am much cooler than that and just own TNG on DVD, then walking away incredibly sore but proud to have won 5 of 8, and taken second in the other 3. For the record, I was playing mostly against others who are chronologically adults. Also, for those I played against, pwned.

Since I am talking about stuff I enjoy that no one I expect to read this blog does, I am quite happy with my St. Louis Blues recent free agent signings. If David Perron gets healthy... we really have a shot at not just making, but going somewhere in the playoffs, with a little bit of luck as far as injuries. And once we are in the playoffs, if Halak gets hot... I will be riding the high of the Blues winning the Cup for a solid year after they do.

Well, I will try and be more clever next time. Apologies to everyone who doesn't know the difference between a Klingon and a Wookie. BTW, sign that Trekkers are winning the internet over Star Wars fanboys... Klingon doesn't have red "You spelled this wrong" lines under it, but Wookie does. Keep going boldly, my fellow Trekkers!

My message to the world tonight:

Am I too old to go to a ska concert? There is a pretty good one (Reel Big Fish with Streetlight Manifesto) at the House of Blues in two weeks... hmm.

I've had the new Mumford & Sons song stuck in my head all day. It's not that I want to be listening to sad bastard music, I just want something I can ignore.

The over/under of the times someone says "winning" on the upcoming Comedy Central Charlie Sheen Roast: 42.

Is there any point to people selling a gross of those tiny bottle rocket fireworks in one pack? Has anyone in history ever set off 144 of them individually? No. You start setting them off one at a time... then inevitably you step it up to looking for ways to set them off as a group. Possibly with a stop at shooting them at each other in between. Those little suckers are probably more dangerous than the big stuff, because anytime you give someone enough opportunities, they are going to do something stupid. That's why the longest streak of a position player in baseball without an error is just over 2 seasons. That's why even Roy let in soft goals. That's why, any guy who has dated more than a couple girls, has at least one girl that he would prefer no one hear about him doing stuff with. And would even forget her himself if his asshole best friend would stop bringing her up. Especially in front of other gorgeous women, especially when I'd already gotten caught smiling at the fact Star Trek was playing in the bar... er... um... yea. Too many fireworks and stuff. Bad.

There's a path you take, and a path not taken. The choice is up to you my friend.

Happy 4th of July! Now if my neighbors could stop with the fireworks... we already had one house burn down, right across the street. No need for there to be another.

I just re-read that. Crap. Be safe with the fireworks? When did I start saying things old people say? Unrelated, when did I start feeling the effects of drinking the next day?

My FM transmitter for my IPOD seems to know when I am starting a long drive, and die right at the beginning, then mockingly work when I am going 2 blocks to get take-out chinese food. I really need to put CD's other than the first half of Reel Big Fish live and the Easy A soundtrack in my car.

My sister is 22 years old, and got called "old" in a bar. Does that seem right to you?

I really like Madison. People were friendly, I found my way around without too much issue, and I found a local magazine that seemed to do a good job listing stuff to do. Most importantly, I found a bar where the bartender had Star Trek: The Next Generation playing when I came to the upstairs part. Epic. Of course, there were cute girls around, so I tried to downplay my excitement... but I will certainly be back.

Does drunkenly spilling change out of the middle console of your car count as "making it rain on these hoes?" I hope it does. Because if so... I MAKE IT RAIN ON THESE HOES!

So, I found out that I was off by a month, and that Tally Hall's new album came out last week. I bought it... no Kaley Cuoco. Last blog was clearly a waste of a good idea. That said, it's a really good album. It makes me happy they aren't more well known. They make me feel like Rob in High Fidelity, when he says "I will now sell 5 copies of the 3 EP's by The Beta Band" and does so just by playing Dry the Rain in his record store. I can just turn their music on, and inevitably have whoever is listening inquire who the band is.

I have a couple days off, and am fairly anxious to get away from MI/IN. I can't afford to satiate my wanderlust, but I can afford to at least get out of town. So I am meeting up with some friends in Madison. Hopefully make some sort of memories. Just wander about town. Is it normal to just show up in a city, with cheap hotel reservations and plans that at best can be considered tentative? Does this count as taking a summer vacation?

I'm continually impressed by people's ability to be stupid.

Someone posted the line "You know, your coat is a... brownish color..." on facebook today. And it got me thinking, it's about time for my bi-annual re-watching of the best television series ever made, Firefly. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, shame on you, watch it immediately. More importantly: Fuck you Rupert Murdoch.



Stinky Pinky:

Type of lettuce & Area of control

Incomplete & Warlike

Style of Speaking & Surface Resistance

Wow, doesn't feel like a week since a post. Oops.

I've been trying to figure out, why every time I start listening to a band, their music starts getting worse with every CD they put out from that point on. It's not necessarily a straight progression down, but the quality certainly never reaches the heights of when I hear them first. It's liberating, in a way, knowing that while there may be a few singles I like, album wise, there is no need to bother with a full Dashboard cd since I started listening at Places You Have Come To Fear The Most. I would be out nearly 100 bucks if I had paid for everything MxPx had made since Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo. And Weezer, thanks for filling out the rainbow, but you really could have stopped at the Blue cd.

However, since I am guessing there are bands out there that would like to earn more than one cd worth of my hard earned cash (check my wallet... yep, no new looking bills, someone prolly worked hard for them at one point) I thought I should figure out why this phenomenon is true. And here is what I have come up with: It's all about the experience. The bands I follow after hearing one of their cd's, I like so much that the first cd gets played until there is too much emotion combined with each track for their subsequent efforts to keep up. For instance, The Hold Steady peaked where I was introduced to them, at Boys and Girls in America. Because the only track I associate reading On the Road for the first time with is Stuck Between Stations, not whatever they came out with 3 years ago. The cd they came out with last summer didn't feature a track like Citrus that I instantly remember a first kiss when hearing.

I have a solution, as well, for all you famous bands reading my blog. Just do a little marketing. Include an awesome experience for me as part of buying your cd. Tally Hall, you (finally) have a second cd coming out in a month. Want to avoid disappointing me after our first album experience together was so good? Simple. When I buy your new cd, have a real, live, naked Kaley Cuoco, desperate for me to take her in a manly fashion, show up in my room while I listen the first couple times. I guarantee you, you will have broken the curse, and I'll have a new favorite Tally Hall cd.

Unfortunately, since I like applause, but not the clap, I'm gonna need you to only have her set up this way for me. I'm worth it though. Get Lohan or something for everyone else.




Stinky Pinky:

Pill with no active ingredients & type of pavilion that is often 8 sided

So. Stinky Pinky.

As far as I know, originally from bored radar operators in the Pentagon, and currently popularized by the show Loveline, Stinky Pinky is a wordplay game. I thought it would be fun to throw in a blog. The way it works, is you give clues about two words that rhyme. The words cannot be in the clue. So for example, if I gave the clue "smelly & finger" the answer would be "stinky pinky."

Here are some, for anyone bored. Feel free to send a comment answering, or facebook me. If you think of any of your own, send them to me, since I will probably throw them at the bottom of blogs every now and again.



Wet & Light

Obese & Feline

Someone unknown & Unsafe

Not Straight & Ash Wednesday till Easter

Liquid Container & Speed controller

Iguana & Magician

Involuntary muscle contraction & Abyss (or large gap)

Harsh sounding & 3 pronged spear

Second half of a sentence & Social protocol

Penis & Home of royalty

I had a good weekend. One worth talking about. You know, eventually.

I think there are some days, for everyone, where you feel accomplished for just getting out of bed, going to work, coming home, and getting back in bed.

Today, I plan on feeling accomplished.

Blogging while drunk is extremely difficult. I had something fairly long typed out, then read it and realized it made no sense.

To the one girl I drunk texted that I love you... I do.

To the one girl I drunk texted you are sexy... you are.

To the one girl I drunk texted nothing... I'm sorry, but I think I might really be over you. I still wish I could give you the world. But it's time I started trying to give everything to someone who wanted to give it to me.

To the one girl I drunk texted asking her to marry me... what can I say? I blame it on the al...a-a-al... a-alcohol.

Why didn't Lebron go to college?
Cause he couldn't handle the finals.


If you say "beer can" with a british accent, you are also saying "bacon" with a jamaican accent.

I am safely in the land of ten thousand pot holes. I've been up for 24 hours straight... I feel this music video accurately expresses the most elegant and articulate thoughts I have happening at the moment.

Working 48 of the last 88 hours with criminally annoying teenagers has sucked. Realizing my weekend starts tomorrow at 2pm, and throwing together plans to see both my best friend BJ for a couple days, and have dinner with the lovely, talented, and so much cooler than you ReinschInScrubs on my road trip there, was pretty much awesome. I love traveling. I love spontaneous traveling even more. Especially when it involves seeing good friends.

However, I am left wondering. How is it, when I have nothing to do, I never take the time to put up a blog, even when I have something thought out to say. But when I just got home for work, need to leave to go back in 6 hours, and have done nothing to prepare for my trip that starts immediately following work... here I sit, typing.

I really think there are 3 types of attraction. Intellectual, emotional, and sexual. Sexual is self explanatory... but the other two, it seems that so few relationships have a solid balance of both. Sometimes, you like a lot about someone, but the "chemistry," the butterflies, the hormonal reaction that gets your heart racing and puts an immovable smile on your face... just isn't there. There is tons of intellectual attraction... but no emotional. And how is that any fun?

However, what pisses me off, is relationships where there is really no intellectual attraction, it's all emotional. I'm tired of so many people telling me about how they "feel" about someone. It's great you "feel" like this is the one, etc. etc. But have you really thought about it? Is this really the person, when you were growing up, that you dreamed of finding? You're not in love with someone, if you can't list 10 things you love about them that have nothing to do with you. Of course, I think you're not in love with someone if you can't list 10 things you hate about them too. But the point is, love isn't just finding the spark that burns the brightest.

I'm not bitter. I just want more than what everyone seems to be satisfied with.

This probably isn't making any sense. I'm gonna go pack.

http://youtu.be/PKYzVVw24I8

I feel like many people I interact with over modern social media are Sheldon in this clip, needing someone to play Leonard in their life, holding up that sign to explain my statements...

So, first Michael Bolton is in a Lonely Island video, now he is on my favorite radio show... it's the most I've heard of him since Office Space in the late 90's. Wikipedia says he did a cover album of Sinatra stuff, I might actually have to download it. Speaking of vocalists doing older sounding stuff, shouldn't Michael Buble have another album out for me to love but never drive around listening to, because I have a hard enough time with women without them thinking I'm gay?

Once upon a time, I complimented Michael Buble, and it got back to him. True Story.

I hate my roommate's cat. Is it wrong I am actively trying to get it to respond to "Dogfood" rather than it's real name? What is the point of having a cat anyways? I don't mind outdoor ones that deal with rodents... but domesticated ones who just lay around expecting attention and eating are pointless. Maybe it's just Dogfood's whining and crying keeping me awake the last few nights, but I really think eliminating domestic cats should be one of our first contingency plans for dealing with global over-population related food shortages.

Who is less intelligent, the idiots I constantly see, where I work, the roads I drive on, where I eat, hang out, in all the red states, all the blue states, and every dimension, past present and future that I am able to comprehend both consciously and unconsciously... or me, who still gets annoyed with all those imbeciles, despite them being as inevitable as death, taxes, and my pants feeling small whenever I manage to meet Kaley Cuoco.

Two years ago today, my best friend got married. The wedding party had such an amazing time, that we are all talking of doing a reunion, hopefully next summer. So, in about a year, if you see a bunch of idiots quoting "The Mighty Ducks," ordering Papsmir's at a piano bar (half Paps Blue Ribbon, half Smirnoff), singing "It's raining men!" then buying extra-large condom's at WalGreen's, opening them right at the counter, rolling them down the entirety of their arm, then asking the cashier if they have anything bigger... just know those idiots are happy, and just re-living some of their tamer "good ol' days." However, you probably don't want to incriminate yourself by seeing what happens next.

Flying V!

Proof that our country is, deep, down, still racist:




They never gave that sort of credit to Tiger.

Due to the relationship problems I have been stumbling into the last couple decades, I decided to make a quiz, to make sure I at least have similar interests to the next person I decide to waste thousands of dollars on. That way, I am fairly certain they will at minimum be able to pick out a t-shirt I would actually wear when giving me a present. You know, the one gift I'll get before that inevitable conversation where they say things like "It's not you, it's me" or "We'd be better off as friends" or "Even though it's been 4 months and we've only held hands I think all you're after is the physical so I am ending it." You know, the usual stuff.

So, if you are one of the many girls I wanted to date, who thinks I am a great guy and would make a wonderful boyfriend (not for you, the person I was interested in, of course, but for, you know, maybe a friend) go ahead and point your friends this way. Why not?

I figure, somebody out to be able to know at least ten:

In hockey, what is offsides?
Mystery Science __________ 3000?
How many counts for the 4 basic steps of East Coast Swing dancing?
What does it mean to be 'Oshied' and where did the term originate?
How many knocks before Penny?
Name a ska band. Bonus point for know what wave they are a part of.
Name 3 authors published more than a century ago you have read for entertainment not as a school assignment.
Name a member of the 60's Rat Pack, and one song or movie he was known for.
Name an amendment on the Bill of Rights other than the first.
What color is Malcolm Reynolds coat?
Name the letter of an Enterprise Picard commanded.
Which political party is more likely to raise taxes?
Name the best known (in your opinion) and least known (in your opinion) musical acts you have seen in concert?
Do you keep an up to date passport, and if so, what stamp do you hope for next?

I signed up for twitter... mostly so I can stalk celebrities. Ah, Kaley...

I still think getting twitter sounds suspiciously like getting the clap.

I liked the song "Lazy" by Bruno Mars. Then I saw this music video.



Loses points for not being the official video... but still. Spock = Win.

My job is devouring my soul. This, of course, makes blogging easier... but the excessive need for naps that comes with it does not... so here we are.

Note to self: start blogging again tomorrow.

Why don't blind people bungee jump?

Scares the hell out of the dogs.

Skit that shouldn't have been cut from last SNL:


Pretty much sums up my feelings on Justin Bieber, even.

Planning vacations online makes me happy, regardless of whether or not I am actually going to be able to take them.

Justin Timberlake being on Saturday Night Live makes me happy. And I can nearly stand Lady Gaga when she is on Saturday Night Live... though never at other times.

Rap music is proof high school never ends. Some cocky asshole talks about how wonderful he is, then forces some nerd with a computer to put it to a beat, synthesize his voice so it sounds good, and edit it so it all flows well. Then, he takes that, and uses it to get fame, fortune, and women. It's like the captain of the chess club doing the quarterbacks homework all over again.

Religion is like a penis. It's fine to be proud of it. But don't constantly whip it out in public and start waving it around.

Since high school, my friends and I have always added the words "in bed" at the end of every fortune cookie. Today, mine said: You will attain the highest levels of intelligence" (in bed).

Frankly, I'd rather get laid.

Just because you call it hunting, doesn't make it any cooler. You are wandering around the woods hoping to find a mushroom. You're one side of a Hunter / Gatherer society, and it's not the Hunter. It's the side that, for 10 thousand years, has been taking the "only pretty after vodka" girl to prom. When you get done "hunting" for mushrooms, go home, buy yourself a new klingon outfit for the next 'con' you go to, and embrace virginity.

Re-watching the television show Scrubs, I'm realizing how often I quote Dr. Cox.

Ashton Kutcher is taking Sheen's spot on Two and a Half Men. Meaning I can confidently continue to watch it never, and know I am missing nothing. Thanks dude.

Oprah Winfrey is having her last couple shows... something else I don't care about.

HIMYM trying to put some drama into who Barney gets married to is really pathetic. It's obviously Robin, which makes the series starting when Ted met her make sense. I've thought she would end up with Barney for a couple years... since the drama is gone, can we just meet the mother already? More importantly, can we see the last slap yet?

When I look deep into your eyes, I see myself, but tiny and upside down.


Plan for tonight:

1) Alcohol
2) Television
3) Chocolate Chip Cookies
4) Garfunkel and Oates CD
5) Applying for jobs that are better than my current one. More specifically, any job that isn't mine.

Who said who to what now?

I'm always amazed at how sequels always fail to be as good as the original. There are a few exceptions (See Scream 2. Scream 2 isn't an exception, but they are discussed in the middle of Scream 2) However, now that we are trying to make a sequel to a short film we made years ago, I am realizing it may actually be mildly difficult. Of course, brain storming for that leaves me little time to brainstorm for insults for this blog... but if anyone wants to see the first video, here's a clicky:

Molly

Women lie, because that's the only way men ever get to hear what they want.

Sigh. The interwebs conspired yesterday to make it impossible for me to blog. Stupid interwebs, and blog log in systems.

Today is Friday the 13th. More importantly, it's Top Gun day. So I have been far too busy quoting Top Gun to actually think of anything original to say.


Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby.
That's a negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.

You just did an incredibly brave thing. What you should have done was land your plane! You don't own that plane, the tax payers do! Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash. You've been busted, you lost your qualifications as section leader three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of high speed passes over five air control towers, and one admiral's daughter!

You're a hell of an instinctive pilot. Maybe too good. I'd like to bust your butt but I can't. I got another problem here. I gotta send somebody from this squadron to Miramar. I gotta do something here, I still can't believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! I'm gonna send you up against the best. You two characters are going to Top Gun.

She's lost that loving feeling.
She's lo... No she hasn't.
Yes, she has.
She's not lost that lo...
Goose, she's lost it, man.
Come on! Aw sh... I hate it when she does that.

Take me to bed or lose me forever.

Sign I am Maturing:
After a hard day at work, when grocery shopping, I decided to get a bottle of wine to go with my dinner, rather than the beer I occasionally have. Ok, ok, the Hard Lemonade I occasionally have.

Sign I'm really not:
It was a 5 dollar bottle of wine. And my dinner is frozen pizza and cookies. And I don't actually have a wine opener.

Sign I'm a low IQ alcoholic:
To get my wine open, I put a long screw into the cork, then used pliers to try and pull it out. When this of course just pulled the screw out and messed up the cork, I then tried to use the pliers to just get a grip and pull the cork out straight, which slowly messed the cork up more. Finally, in an attempt to get a solid grip... I ended up pushing the cork into the bottle. Wine exploded all over my kitchen, clothes, and into my eye.

What I have learned:
Wine might sting in your eye, but if the wine is cheap enough, putting the cork into the bottle instead of out of it won't really change the taste. L'Chaim!

I'm going through hockey withdrawals. I know, the playoff's are still going. But I hate all the teams still playing for various reasons. I want my Blues playing again. Or my Irish. Why can't the sports world revolve around me!

How do stupid people rise to the top in so many organizations? For instance, the US Government. Another example, the administration at the college I attended. It's almost impressive, how incredibly dysfunctional the world is.

If you are politically correct, you're a douchebag.

Another question for my "Perspective Voter Qualification Exam" (PVQE from now on) from yesterday: "Properly spell at least 4 days of the week." If they can't, NO VOTING!

All of the cool people, as well as a bunch of Michael Bolton fans, have already seen this video, which came out Saturday night:





I'd just like to say that I was a fan of The Lonely Island back when they made Awesometown (look it up). I told all my friends about them, and the random quotes of "And the coconut for best beard on the island goes to:" or "Who invited Steve?" are still thrown around my group of friends, as a result. Their new album comes out tomorrow. I may actually spend money on it.

On the topic of people I started following early, I'd like to get on record now of saying Leah Gauthier is going to be big as well. She has a blog, keepinitleal.blogspot.com , that I have been following for a long time. She is a completely different type of entertainment than The Lonely Island (she talks of writing a television pilot.) However, I think she will make it big someday, in that way. I'd say she'll be the next Chuck Lorre, but I have no idea if she would think of that as a compliment, and I really hope she doesn't get fucked by Charlie Sheen.

On the flip side of liking people, am I the only one who wishes Donald Trump would just shut up, and not be on tv or the news? Who actually watches his shows, let alone says "Yea, I would vote for him for President" when taking a poll? He's a richer, slightly less attractive version of Sarah Palin. Are we that desperate of a country? I love this country, and the idea of democracy, but Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, and Barrack Obama all represent different but valid arguments against letting people vote. We need some sort of questionnaire people must answer before voting. For instance: Have you ever chanted the words "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" or been in a fight on stage while the audience did? If the person answers yes, DON'T LET THEM VOTE!

Today is Mother's Day. Be sure to thank the person who got knocked up 9 months before you were born.

I'd rather not be in a car accident. But if I am going to be in one, I really hope it's not right after I fill up.

Blogging. Because I didn't create The Big Bang Theory, and thus don't get to write vanity cards.

Things on T-shirts I want to own:

haiku are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator



in ter est ing:
adj. 1. capable of holding one's attention. 2. arousing a feeling of interest. 3. oh god, oh god, we're all going to die.



bazinga



curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!



fighting elves (in chinese)
28

I am a big fan of sleep. I woke up today, showered, watched Big Bang Theory (I knew I should have given my pope the jet pack!)and then slept another 8 hours. I just came in from a BBQ... and now I am going to go back to sleep for another dozen. Am I wasting my life away... or are all of you people who waste time being awake doing so? I don't know. I think about it during my shower in between naps tomorrow.

So today, in a joking sort of argument (that I of course was winning) a girl told me "It doesn't have to make sense, I have boobs." I'd like to rail against the unfairness of this, the stupidity, the sexism... but my testicles have informed me I really only have one thing to say to that.

Touche my boobed friend. Touche.

So, I went playing laser tag tonight for the first time in years. And let me just say, it was AWESOME. Granted, half the reason I wanted to go play was because of watching Barney on HIMYM play... but it exceeded all expectations and NPH proclamations of legendary-ness. It probably would have sucked going without a group of similar losers also my age... but I admit, destroying the little kids was a blast too.

Anyways. Exhaustion now claims me.

You know the good thing about working 16 hours with poorly behaved teenagers, getting home, and knowing you only have 6 hours to sleep before you go back to work with them again?

Yeah, me neither.

I'm not sure who pisses me off more. The suddenly uber patriotic people who were pissy about everything to do with this country last week... or the "christians" looking down on everyone for "rejoicing in someone's death."

I attended a college graduation today. And as I sat, trying to remember what was said at my high school graduation, or my college graduation, I realized I remembered none of it. So, I tried to come up with what I would say, for a commencement address, should I ever be asked to give one. This is what I came up with so far:



Maybe it needs work.

Growing up in a conservative, borderline oppressive, church environment, a lot of my education about the world came from fairly random sources. My sexual education classes were nightly listening to a radio show called Loveline, with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla. They weren't broadcast near my university, but I have recently found a podcast to listen to them (well, Drew and the new host, Psycho Mike) regularly again. I highly recommend the show, and not only because I hope it keeps going long enough for me to someday have Dr. Drew's job.

Anyways, in listening to Loveline today on my way to work, I learned there is such a thing as post-coital headaches. And I have just gotta say... WHAT THE?! Talk about the ultimate bitch slap from whatever deity you choose to believe in! "Ah, I see you just had an orgasm. Pretty happy yourself, huh? Well BAM! Migraine!" And even if you choose not to believe in a higher power, that makes it even worse, because you just come to the conclusion your own body thinks you should lose the contest of survival of the fittest. I mean seriously. This has got to be one of the crappiest non-fatal diseases. It would absolutely blow to have. Except with no alternative positive connotation to the word blow. Because you get a blow job and... BAM! Migraine!

On the plus side, it has given me something new to scream out my window at drivers who push my road rage over the edge. So if you ever see someone hanging out their window, middle finger in the air, screaming "I hope you get post-coital headaches, jackass!" be sure and roll down a window, let me know you read my blog.

So, last night, a British Monarch got married. Throw that next to Jennifer Aniston's dating status in the "Things lots of people talk about that I care nothing about." I really don't get the generally fascination with following celebrities lives. What's the point of living vicariously through someone who is as likely to be going to rehab for depression and drug abuse as they are to be happy?

I am re-watching the cartoon Ducktales. I feel weird, being 26 and watching cartoons... but its just more entertaining than 95% of the television shows on now, and I work 16 hours tomorrow, meaning no going out and having fun.

Applying for jobs is almost as annoying as working the one I currently have.

Wait, the girl everyone is talking about that got married is good looking, close to my age, rich, and has an english accent? I take it all back, I care. There are only so many girls like that in the world, and Plan A for my life, marrying one of them, is still on. Of course, if Kaley Cuoco, Emma Stone, or Anna Kendrick is reading this, I will totally settle for you on the whole accent thing.

I love having a smart phone, but I really wish it had come with a more clear idiot's guide. After a month and a half, I still have no idea how to stay signed out of stupid facebook chat.

A large contingent of my extended family is traveling here tomorrow for my sisters college graduation. Being around family is a lot like drinking. There is a certain amount you can handle... but even that night when you are having fun with everyone, you just know the moment is coming when you are going to have a massive headache and wish everyone would just shut up and let you sleep all day.

Today should have been my cousins 23rd birthday, instead of the 1 month anniversary of his passing away. As a friend of mine astutely observed: Death Sucks.

I'll try to get back to something I can pass off as witty and contributing to society tomorrow :)

I grin when I fight, but not when I dance.

I am rant.

Am I the only one who thinks pretty much every where that has a line you stand in for more than 5 minutes needs to have a second non-idiot line? I'm looking at you, DMV. You know most of the people showing up aren't the sharpest crayon's in the box; have somewhere for those of us who looked up online which documents we needed and filled out our damn form before delicately squeezing our rotund self's into the que. I mean you too, every fast food restaurant ever. Let those of us who can determine which path we want to take to heart disease in advance have an actual fast way to do so.

They have the right idea at Midway airport in Chicago, with an "Expert Traveler Line" for getting through security... unfortunately the majority of assholes who think of themselves as "experts" are wearing suits and ties, so even them knowing what they are supposed to be doing takes just as long as the idiot women who still wear boots that take forever to take off, 5 layers of coat and 10 different "accessories" to make sure they look good for the suit and ties. (Girls: Just go with damn sweats, and shoes you can slip on and off without tying. Trust me, for suit and tie, it doesn't matter how you look, the fact you aren't nagging him constantly makes you more attractive than than his wife back home.)

My solution for places looking to incorporate my second line idea, but wanting to avoid the problems of Midway? Hire me to stand at the front of the line. Pointing at people saying "Yes" or "No" based on idiot level at a glance, for what minimum wage laws dictate would be the same as I am making now, sounds perfect for all of us.

You're welcome world.

Also, hot girls really are still hot in sweats. When will women figure this out?

I like lists.

So, this morning upon waking up, I managed to get a splinter in my toe from my wooden floor. And as I sat, awkwardly trying to find a position in which I could hold my foot where I could see the side/bottom of my toe and also have enough dexterity to remove the splinter, I thought for the millionth time: I really need to move.

I'm currently planning on Southern California, sometime over the summer. There are a lot of reasons to move there... but the superficial ones are the most important. Every friend I have who lives down there has the prettiest girls in their facebook pictures. And at this age, I am thinking it's about time to settle down... but still young enough I haven't started to settle for girls actually in my league.

So, while my toe bleeds from my mutilating "mastery" of the use of tweezers, I think it's time to start a running list of things to do while in Southern California:

1) Meet Kaley Cuoco
2) Serenade Billie Jean to Cassie Olsen
3) See a Dodger game
4) Go surfing and snowboarding in the same day
5) Ride every roller coaster at Magic Mountain in one day
6) Take a date to Disney Land, have it go well
7) Do Neil Patrick Harris's "Accomplice: Hollywood"
8) Tour the Queen Mary on Halloween
9) See a filming of Big Bang Theory
10) See the Irish play the Trojans

I'll just keep adding more, as they come to mind.

Girls in Minnesota...

How is it that every time I fly to Minnesota, there is a plethora of attractive girls near my age on the plane... but I never see any when I am anywhere in the Minneapolis/Saint Paul area; other than when at the airport? There are never any on flights out of Minnesota. Have the Boundary Waters turned into some sort of bachelor heaven? Cause I can afford a canoe...

In case I've forgotten...

So future me, also known as my primary, perhaps only reader, here are a few things I am no doubt hoping to know but struggling to remember, as my mind slowly goes the way of my dear Grandmother's.

If there is a Dr. there who looks like an older version of the person below, ie nothing like you, she is your sister. Tease her about being adopted. (She wasn't.)

This goofy looking guy, taller than you with a slightly large nose, is your best friend Brent. He has been your best friend forever, which for your memory is about since you got your 3pm snack, but in reality is since before you were a teenager.

If you have memories of being married to a blond actress named Kaley Cuoco, it probably never happened. I'm only telling you because I am confident you will forget what I just said in a few minutes, and still start your nap thinking "Jackpot!"

Stop complaining when the people at your home make you take naps. You worked long and hard to be a financial burden on whoever is paying for you to be there, to get those daily naps. Savor them.

You used to like ska music, swing dancing, ice hockey, and science fiction. Feel free to tell those young whippersnappers that music was better back in your day. It is. Bust out one of those old school dvd players, and re-watch Firefly. It is still the best television show ever made.

Use the term whippersnappers. You've earned it.

The condoms are in your brown puzzle box. I bought a new box and placed them there 6 months ago... it's still full as I write this. If it is still full as I read this at age 80... something has gone terribly wrong. (Continued to go terribly wrong, I suppose?) Don't bother with them now, they are as expired as your testicles must be.

Well, I guess that is it for now, my primary reader. Now take your pants off, and go wandering around pretending to have no idea what happened to them.

And so it begins...

So, inspired by a couple of friends, I've decided to start a blog. As much for myself to look back on as for anyone else to see, I have no idea what I will post about. But I turn 26 today... and think it would be nice to keep track of the next year in a way I can look back on.

So, future me, if you are looking at this, wondering how in the world I got the idea to start publishing my idiocy in a semi-public forum... it was a whim. Sorry.

So, I've been thinking. Love and Gravity are very similar. I'm sure this has been said before, and probably in a much more romantic sense. But for me, they are alike in the sense that neither can really be explained. Both just too complex for modern science to even prove the existence of, they're more theory than fact. Seemingly mystical, magical, inexplicable forces... that eventually will be explained away by science and taught to 5^th graders. Well, 3^rd graders in Asia. (First blog and I'm being racist already. And so it begins.) And most importantly, they can both be succinctly summed up in a 20 second clip from my current favorite TV show:





They are both heartless bitches.

Cheers!